I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
