I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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