i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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