even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
