This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
