wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
