He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
