Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Sorry about my life...
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
