I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize