it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
