Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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