if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
