My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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