My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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