She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.