I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
25 Porn Addicts Admit Their Biggest Pet Peeves
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.