Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
naw, they were rude, not me.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
These 23 Kids Have The Most Overbearing Parents Imaginable
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
21 People That Are Skilled At Illegal Activities
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.