This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
