i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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