that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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