listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
