I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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