at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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