She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
