Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
