I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
