Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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