Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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