I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
