I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I wish there were birth control emojis
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
