I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
