i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
