Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize