So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
