I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
