If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
