Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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