im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
