1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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