Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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