Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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