9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
