Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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