Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
