he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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