if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
