Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
