youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
