So drunk its hurt
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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