Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
