fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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