So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
why do cheetos always look like penises
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I believe in your delicious
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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