grandma shit on top of the toilet
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
