i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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