I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
