Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
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