You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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