totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
