i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
